One of the hardest things for me as the sensitive soul I am is having to let nature take its course. My love of spiders in particular brings one moment of heartbreak for me after another. That does not mean to say that I am a walking drama novel with tear stains all over pages that are stuck together with my sorrow. I just feel things intensely, most of the time more than I would like to, much to the annoyance of my family.
My little boy calls out to me a lot, it's become a tone I have grown familiar with when I know, he's calling me because he has found a spider. I always rush to his side excitedly but this time I collided straight into unexpected heartsore.
My mind took a few seconds to make sense of exactly what was going on. When the stark realisation penetrated I was instantly brought to my knees, both in sadness and to get a closer look to evaluate hope. There was none. A victim no doubt of my daughter's cat Zac. She was dying slowly while holding on to dear life; her unborn babies. I was devastated. Once hatched from the egg sac Wolf Spiderlings use their mother as a 'taxi' and hitch a ride on her abdomen until they are old enough to take care of themselves, it's generally about a week that they stay attached to Mom. What on earth was to become of these babies without their Mother?
I picked her and the soft incubator up placing them awkwardly into an unworthy plastic bowl, unsure of what to do or how I could save a situation that I instinctively knew was not for my saving. I'm stubborn and I don't follow my gut enough. She fought with the little life she had left to hold onto the tiny lives she had created that lay in wait to meet the huge world they were destined for. My heart stuck firmly in my throat forcing the tears to well into the holes of my soul as I stood outside searching the sky for an answer when my 'little voice' interrupted by whispering, "Put her outside somewhere safe and let it be, there is nothing more you can do". That wasn't good enough so I jumped onto Facebook, my insides trembling with nausea, heading for The Spider Club of Southern Africa group to ask what I should do. It took way too long for the answer to come, I had a dying Wolf Spider Mother on my hands and no one seemed to give a shit! Eventually an answer came that confirmed what my little voice had said all along; "Lezzet, let nature take it's course" By this time Mother was gone to wherever arachnids go and my heart was a mess. I picked life and death up and walked heavy footed to a secluded area of my garden to 'let nature take it's course', my view distorted by my interfering human tears. Letting her with her children and my heart all go together into a thick brush of flora I did not linger for it was too painful, my nose was a tingle of fire, my face painted with tears as I unceremoniously bid her and her offspring farewell by returning her to the Earth, her authentic home.
It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. I often wonder how trapped I would feel if my heart were constructed of icy stone, completely detached from ever experiencing the intensity of being able to FEEL. I am grateful and I would never have it any other way, that ability to get so emotionally involved but as I walked away from 'abandoned' mother and children I found my thoughts in an attempt at self-comfort, assuring my spirit that it was alright and that in the natural world there is no sorrow. There is only life and there is only death, what happens in between is merely a matter of fact.
I treasure this blessing and curse, jamming both firmly into the pockets of my soul for without these gifts my understanding of the simple complexities of life would be far less evolved. I would remain poor to the richness of what I have in my own little matter of fact life.
How I see it...
I see, speak and write in metaphors because I feel there is much we can learn from nature, people and our surroundings as depicted in my photographs and why I enjoy sharing my thoughts. Not in any attempt to convince or convert you to my way of thinking, seeing or feeling but to share how I see and experience MY mind map of the world. You at no time have to agree, all I ask is that my views and the views of others who wish to express theirs are kindly respected. So relax, get comfy and just enjoy. Happy reading!