Life is beautiful. Part of this glorious gift of life is learning to grasp and develop wisdom around dealing with the despair of loss. No matter what it is loss is inevitably painful. Growing attached to a friend that we make here on earth whether it’s human, animal or creature occurs whether we like it or not and the hardest of hearts still feels something if only for a few seconds before moving on. But that’s just it…we move on. We leave the sadness behind right before telling everyone how short life is and that we should be kind to everyone because we never know when our number is going to be called and we really feel that powerful moment albeit brief and there’s a beautiful fleeting moment of benevolence before things return to the way they were. Life is monotonously beautiful.
This is dedicated to my beautiful Abigail who left this world on the 9th of January 2015. My friend for five years who taught me that facing my fear is possible. That holding her was one of my biggest conquering and most beautiful experiences of my life. The adrenalin surging through my veins was enough to keep me charged for a lifetime. She gave me a secret passage into the world of arachnids and an understanding that nothing lasts forever. And that it’s going to take me way longer to love crickets. As heartbroken as I am, I will take what you gave me and cherish it always.
Goodbye Abigail. I will love you forever. Thank you for the special spirit you left imprinted in my soul.
If you have read my website from cover to cover you will know the sentimental value of sunflowers to this impassioned heart of mine. In November 2014 I had to take an alternate path to get Avalon to school thanks to traffic congestion via our regular route. I was a little annoyed as the detour was more time consuming and dealing with an enraged teenager who loves to be late is real fun. If not for that re-routing however, I would have been none the wiser technically but sometimes we are digressed so that our souls may be filled graciously just a little bit more with what our generous Mother of nature wishes to share. What was laid on buffet as a feast for my eyes on the shoulder of the road was confusing as it was spectacular. An array of Sunflowers dancing vigorously alongside Cosmos as they were brushed by the draft of passing cars . Cosmos in November? Cosmos visits us only in March just as Autumn's crisp starts to peck us gently on our cheeks. Such an unorthodox albeit delightful find. Making a mental note to return I proceeded with my maternal obligations of the school run all the while revisiting the back seat of my mind about my exciting discovery.
This is the roadside paradise of what Lady Flora produces while we sleep. I was privileged to wallow in all her pretty. Sometimes it's necessary to be forced into diversion by a greater hand that plays skillfully behind the scenes. No coincidences only pleasant, unexpected surprises. Embrace it.
One of the hardest things for me as the sensitive soul I am is having to let nature take its course. My love of spiders in particular brings one moment of heartbreak for me after another. That does not mean to say that I am a walking drama novel with tear stains all over pages that are stuck together with my sorrow. I just feel things intensely, most of the time more than I would like to, much to the annoyance of my family.
My little boy calls out to me a lot, it's become a tone I have grown familiar with when I know, he's calling me because he has found a spider. I always rush to his side excitedly but this time I collided straight into unexpected heartsore.
My mind took a few seconds to make sense of exactly what was going on. When the stark realisation penetrated I was instantly brought to my knees, both in sadness and to get a closer look to evaluate hope. There was none. A victim no doubt of my daughter's cat Zac. She was dying slowly while holding on to dear life; her unborn babies. I was devastated. Once hatched from the egg sac Wolf Spiderlings use their mother as a 'taxi' and hitch a ride on her abdomen until they are old enough to take care of themselves, it's generally about a week that they stay attached to Mom. What on earth was to become of these babies without their Mother?
I picked her and the soft incubator up placing them awkwardly into an unworthy plastic bowl, unsure of what to do or how I could save a situation that I instinctively knew was not for my saving. I'm stubborn and I don't follow my gut enough. She fought with the little life she had left to hold onto the tiny lives she had created that lay in wait to meet the huge world they were destined for. My heart stuck firmly in my throat forcing the tears to well into the holes of my soul as I stood outside searching the sky for an answer when my 'little voice' interrupted by whispering, "Put her outside somewhere safe and let it be, there is nothing more you can do". That wasn't good enough so I jumped onto Facebook, my insides trembling with nausea, heading for The Spider Club of Southern Africa group to ask what I should do. It took way too long for the answer to come, I had a dying Wolf Spider Mother on my hands and no one seemed to give a shit! Eventually an answer came that confirmed what my little voice had said all along; "Lezzet, let nature take it's course" By this time Mother was gone to wherever arachnids go and my heart was a mess. I picked life and death up and walked heavy footed to a secluded area of my garden to 'let nature take it's course', my view distorted by my interfering human tears. Letting her with her children and my heart all go together into a thick brush of flora I did not linger for it was too painful, my nose was a tingle of fire, my face painted with tears as I unceremoniously bid her and her offspring farewell by returning her to the Earth, her authentic home.
It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. I often wonder how trapped I would feel if my heart were constructed of icy stone, completely detached from ever experiencing the intensity of being able to FEEL. I am grateful and I would never have it any other way, that ability to get so emotionally involved but as I walked away from 'abandoned' mother and children I found my thoughts in an attempt at self-comfort, assuring my spirit that it was alright and that in the natural world there is no sorrow. There is only life and there is only death, what happens in between is merely a matter of fact.
I treasure this blessing and curse, jamming both firmly into the pockets of my soul for without these gifts my understanding of the simple complexities of life would be far less evolved. I would remain poor to the richness of what I have in my own little matter of fact life.
I'd like to share with you the best wish I received for this 2015 year of whom the messenger shall remain nameless but let me just say that sometimes, when that doubt creeps in and we seek approval from the people we least get it from, an extraordinary message unexpectedly comes from the most unsuspecting source and those moments of self-doubt are re-enforced to keep you at your most vigilant...to make sure you are still paying attention. This is the message I'm taking with me all year round:
"Lezzet - let me be frank - you are one of my constant motivators!! You are forcing me daily to push myself more and more. Simply because of your passion and amazing eye for the almost mundane around you. I think it is a personal struggle for many of us to really believe in what we see around us...We tend to think because we see something the way we do it is sommer nothing and seeing the stuff other people do seems so "big". In a way all the really good guys feel the same way about their work - it is what drives them to be better and grow beyond...So doubting yourself sometimes is the mark of a true artist! It HAS to be there! So I wish you a wonderful 2015 with lots of self doubt."
How I see it...
I see, speak and write in metaphors because I feel there is much we can learn from nature, people and our surroundings as depicted in my photographs and why I enjoy sharing my thoughts. Not in any attempt to convince or convert you to my way of thinking, seeing or feeling but to share how I see and experience MY mind map of the world. You at no time have to agree, all I ask is that my views and the views of others who wish to express theirs are kindly respected. So relax, get comfy and just enjoy. Happy reading!